The Most Holy of Holy Names
by The Almighty Mian
Summary: A series of oneshots about the man with the most holy of holy names: Rufus Shinra.
1. Chapter 1

Hello.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Final Fantasy franchise or Final Fantasy VII, they belong to Square Enix, which I hope to be able to work for someday.

It gets boring at the middle, but read on, the best part is the last. XD

* * *

Chapter 1 - Thrift

* * *

"Rufus."

Rufus Shinra looked up from the large pile of documents on his desk to see who had spoken the most holy of holy names.

And then he sighed when he saw who it was.

"What is it, Cloud?"

The delivery boy had somehow gotten into his office without him noticing. That and he wasn't supposed to be able to get in in the first place.

"Our monthly electricity bill... well, I delivered that box you wanted―"

"The one that doesn't contain anything _live _or _dangerous_ or_ illegal_, **_right_**?" There was a steely glint in his eyes as he said this.

Cloud wasn't stupid; he knew perfectly well the box had contained something very alive, very dangerous, and extremely illegal.

"Yeah, _that_ box, and well, you sorta promised Tifa you'd pay for the bill if I delivered it..."

"Oh, yes, already covered."

"Right." And the delivery boy turned to leave, but before he could, his curiosity dominated him and he stopped in his tracks.

"I have a question, Rufus."

"Yes, what is it, Strife?"

"Where's all your money?"

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry, but I had to ask... where do you get your money?"

"What are you implying?"

"N-nothing, it's just... when your dad died, you got all of the Shinra Company's money, but when Avalanche coughblewupthebuilding your money probably got fried, right?"

"Go on."

"Um... and after two years of being low-profile, you probably ran out of profits, right? And you can't have a bank account because of your... image, and yet you run Shinra, the WRO, you pay the Turks, you pay for coughme and Seventh Heaven, you pay for damages nearly every week (Rufus coughed something that suspiciously sounded like Reno) and, y'know, then some."

"Hm... you have a point, Cloud."

"So, where do you keep all of your money? Is it locked up in a high-tech safe in another country? Do the Turks deposit it for you? And where do you even get all the money?"

"This interests you how?"

Startled, Cloud said, "Oh, I'm not planning on stealing it or anything, I was just curious, and I kind of wanted tips on how to be rich."

"Ah, I see." There was a long pause.

"Um... and?"

"I'm afraid that is classified information, Cloud Strife."

"Oh. Of course. Sorry." And Cloud scurried off without another word.

As soon as the door closed behind the delivery boy, Rufus smiled that ultra-sexy-Carlisle-Cullen-I-know-something-and-you-don't smile of his.

"They'll never know my secret..." he chuckled as he proceeded to take something out of a drawer in his desk.

He held up a small, pink, plastic pig to his face and smiled.

"Hello, Mr. Porkchops. I'd like to loan 3000 girl today."

* * *

WHOO! XD

Yeah, all of Shinra's money is in that piggybank.

Don't be like my beta-reader Jaja and insist that all that money can't fit in a piggybank.

Rationality and feasibility are lost to Mochible stories.

Next chapter features a long-lost character, unless I decide to put a different chapter in.

As always, review! (And fave, and such.)


	2. Chapter 2

*le gasp*

IT'S HERE! IT'S REALLY HERE!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Final Fantasy franchise or Final Fantasy VII. But I'd like to. I would so drown it in fanservice.

Not my favorite chapter. .

Yeah, the chapter titles are SOOO original.

* * *

Chapter 2 - Blackmail

* * *

"Rufus Shinra."

Rufus looked up from the large pile of documents on his desk to see who had spoken the most holy of holy names.

In front of him was a girl with curly red hair, her hands on her hips and a determined look on her face.

"Uh... who are you?"

The girl's expression turned into one of disbelief. "You don't remember me?"

"No, because if I did I wouldn't have asked that question," Rufus retorted, "Now who are you and how did you get in here?"

"I'm Cissnei, and I got in because I know that the password for all of your locks is Mr. Porkchops. Who the hell is that anyway? Is it that p―"

"None of your business," he grunted. "So, Suzy―"

"Cissnei."

"Right, okay, when I said 'who are you' I meant 'what and who do you think you are and what business do you have here'."

"I'm Cissnei, Shuriken if you will, and I'm a former Turk."

Rufus smiled at this revelation. _So she's a Turk. That's why she about the password then._ He needed more Turks recently, because the four he currently had complained more often than necessary.

"Ah, I see. I do recall you. You were active about half a decade ago, correct?" _They all were, anyway._

"Yes."

"Well, you see, you can't be a _former Turk-"_ he made air quotes "-because, well, I'm sure you've heard of the saying 'Once a Turk, always a Turk'. So basically, you still work for me."

"Precisely what I came here for," the girl said, a mischievous glint appearing in her eyes.

"So you wish to come back to work?"

"Like you said, Mr. President, once a Turk, always a Turk. Which means I never left work in the first place. Which means you're gonna have to give all those paychecks I missed."

Rufus blanched. "B-but... you weren't active."

"Who's to say? It's not like you've been keeping track, Taichou."

"Well, inactive Turks don't get paid."

"Yeah, looks like they don't. Remember Vincent Valentine? Remember how much he helped with restoring and keeping Shinra's image? Is he still active?"

Rufus further paled.

"Valentine was a Turk, right, Mr. President? Once a Turk, always a Turk. And with your current goody-goody image, the public would be devastated to find out you don't pay some of your employees, active or otherwise."

Rufus scrambled for a comeback, and came up with, "Well, where have _you_ been hiding, huh?"

"In Wutai, keeping track of any possible rebel groups. Now pay up."

Rufus paled so much he looked naked in his white suit.

"Fine," Rufus said, defeated. He reached into a drawer and pulled out a calculator and a small pink piggybank.

"I see you still use that bank, sir," Cissnei commented. "Is that the infamous Mr. Porkchops?"

"Go to hell," Rufus replied as he calculated Cissnei's monthly paycheck for the past five years.

* * *

Omo, since when did Cissnei get so _eeevil?_

I should be doing my research right now, darn it.

Okay, poll: What should the next chapter be? The one with Reno or the one with Cloud?

And I've just written my first angst fic this morning, and who better character to make it with than Vincent Valentine? XD

I'm so evil to the characters.

Please make me feel loved. :)


	3. Chapter 3

Yo.

Waddup.

Yes, I am fully aware I was gone for three weeks.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, or the Final Fantasy franchise, because if I did, there'd be a helluva lot more bishies in FFXIII.

* * *

Chapter 3 - Guilt

* * *

A loud thud could be heard as something crashed into the left exterior wall of Healin Lodge. Rufus Shinra raised his eyebrows and, deciding it must be unimportant, shrugged and returned to his documents.

* * *

"R-ru *sob* Rufus..."

The president of the Shinra Electric Power Company looked up from the large pile of documents to see who had sobbed the most holy of holy names, though he had already assumed it was Cloud Strife.

He was right.

He sighed. "Yes, what is it, Strife?"

"Sob... sob..."

"Why are you crying?" The instant he said it, the delivery boy fell on all fours and began to bawl.

"Wh―"

_"I'M A MURDERER!"_ the delivery boy declared tragically.

"Well, technically we all are―"

"I'M A _MONSTER!_"

"Actually, you're a human who got mixed with―"

_"I'M A MONSTER!"_

"Do you mind telling me what happened?"

"I-I-I..." and he began to cry uncontrollably.

"What is that green slime on your leg?"

Cloud cried harder.

Rufus sighed. "Can you show me?"

The spiky blond head nodded.

Rufus sighed again. "All right, come on, Strife."

Cloud wobbled out of the door, down the stairs and led Rufus to the spot where the earlier crash came from.

There, Cloud's motorcycle was on its side, the engine still running. A mass of the strange green goop, identical to the one Rufus found on Cloud's leg, was splattered all over the wall.

"Cloud―" Rufus started, but Cloud fell to the ground again.

Rufus, frustrated, sighed and grabbed a nearby rock, then proceeded to hit Cloud over the the head.

"Ow! Waah!"

"_DAMMIT STRIFE! GET A FUCKING GRIP! YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL YOURSELF A SOLDIER, YOU GEL-WORSHIPING PANSY? JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU SMEARED ALL OVER MY GODDAMN WALL!"_

"A... cactuar..."

"A _what_?"

"I-I-I ran over a-a c-cactuar..."

_"__Seriously?"_

_"I'M A MURDERER! I KILLED IT! I LET IT DIE! I LET IT DIE LIKE I LET EVERYONE DIE! I'M A MURDE_―" Rufus whacked him again.

"SHUT UP! Why did you run it over?"

" I lost control."

"See, Strife? That wasn't murder. It was homicide."

"But... I let it die..."

"Meaning?"

"I could've saved it... I let it die... like Aerith... like Zack... Nibelheim... I could've done something to save it... I could've saved her..."

"What could you have done, Strife? She was _impaled,_ he got turned into Swiss cheese, Nibelheim got toasted, this cactuar got fucking _pureed_. Get over it."

Cloud stopped crying instantly.

"You're right, Rufus. I should stop mulling over my mistakes in the past; I should start looking at the present. You're right. Everything happens for a reason. The gods willed it. The planet wills it. I know that somewhere, everyone I let die is watching over me, forgiving. Nothing is our fault, but we still feel guilt for it. That's the problem with us humans. I am a human, I'm not a monster, because I feel guilt. From now on, I won't blame myself for everything. Thank you, Rufus."

"You done?"

"Yes."

"Good, now clean my wall, because _that is your fault_."

Cloud began to cry again.

* * *

Yay, I'm alive!

I'm really in touch with my lazy side, and my comp time has been limited lately, so I apologize if I can't reply.

I know I read something similar to this before.

I'm gonna eat some ice cream later.

XD


	4. Chapter 4

Oh, my dear, beloved readers (like, half a dozen)...

I apologize, for I have forsaken you.

So here's something for Valentine's Day (hands down the most useless holiday ever. Pfft, it's not even a real holiday, there shouldn't be classes at least)!

Disclaimer: Though my long absence may prove otherwise, I still don't own Final Fantasy VII.

* * *

Chapter 4 - Valentine's

* * *

_"Taichoooooooooouuu!"_

Rufus Shinra looked up from his battered copy of _Loveless_ to see who had unceremoniously screamed the most holy of holy titles. Wasted effort, really, since he already knew it was Reno, and the door was closed so he wouldn't be able to see anyway.

"Yes, Reno?" he called out.

_"Erm, yes, Taichou!"_ came the voice from the other side of the door.

"What _is_ it, Reno?" Rufus said, his patience drying.

_"Oh, right, yo! Err... y'know what today is, right?"_

Rufus glanced nonchalantly at the small digital clock on his desk. "February 14th. So?"

_"It's Valentine's Day, yo!"_

"What?" Rufus looked at his calendar, which Reno had doodled on some weeks before (afterwards Reno was sent to a remote mountain where Rufus had planted eleven Summon stones, namely Bahamut, Fat Chocobo, Titan, Ifrit, Knights of Round, Shiva, Leviathan, Alexander, Ramuh, Kjata, and Odin). There were small red hearts scribbled on the 14th.

Rufus grunted. "Valentine's Day isn't real, Reno. Get back to work."

_"Whaddya mean it ain't real, yo?"_

"It isn't real like some hot void-obsessed exhibitionist magician slut isn't real. I don't see why people make such a fuss over stupid things like _Valentine's Day_," he said with contempt. "I'm rather happy I never had to get anyone any cheap store-bought paper and carbs."

_"Did you ever have anyone to give to, yo?"_

"NO, AND GET BACK TO WORK."

A loud banging came from the door.

_"Taichooooooooooouuu! Everyone needs love in their life, everyone! Even you! You need love, Taichou! Who would inherit the Shinra company? Who would you grow old with? For all you know, we Turks could die anytime and you'd have no one! You need love! I've been noticing you're getting a bit of dullness in your hair_―"

"HOLD ON JUST A SECOND THERE!" Rufus screamed, outraged. "MY HAIR? **DULL?** Like WHAT THE $%#?"

_"Taichou's always had dull hair!"_ yelled the door teasingly. _"Because you grew up without love! I grew up with love! MY HAIR'S RED! I grew up with SO MUCH LOVE―"_

"**SHUT UP! MY HAIR IS BOUNCY AND SHINYLICIOUS**―"

_"Because of the millions you spend on it; now love, love has a whole other shine to it, money can't buy happiness, and love is happiness, therefore you can't buy love!"_

_**"YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NEVER WATCHED 'THE BACHELOR' BEFORE, RENO!"**_

_"Those fake whores? It isn't a loving relationship they're looking for, just a hot sugardaddy_―"

_**"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW IT'S A GREAT SHOW!"**_

A pause.

_"You... watch... The Bachelor?" _Reno said slowly.

Rufus mentally cursed. "Err... yes. It passes the time."

Another pause.

_"Taichoooooooooouuu you're soooo lonelyyy! THAT'S IT! I'M COMING IN!"_

Reno then pushed the door open (read: HAS BEEN UNLOCKED THE WHOLE TIME) and ran inside, tears in his eyes.

_"Taichoooooooouuu!"_ Reno cried as he enveloped his boss, who signs his paychecks, supplies him with food and water and shelter and clothing, and basically holds his entire being and humanity, in a tight-ass bear hug.

_"RENO! I DEMAND YOU RELEASE ME THIS INSTANT!"_ Rufus screamed, his voice muffled by the red hair that found its way into his mouth.

"Sniff... sorry, Taichou, I don't usually cry, but you're just _so lonely _and..." Reno trailed off, spotting the dog-eared book on his boss's desk.

"Is... that... _Loveless_?" he said slowly, his left eye twitching.

Rufus began to twitch as well. "Err... yessss?"

"You read tragic love stories in your free time." It wasn't a question.

"Yesss..."

"Your own copy?"

"That―" Rufus began, but Reno pushed past him and grabbed the tattered book, ignoring his boss's protests.

And there it was, shining on the inside of the cover:

_Personal Property of:_

_Rufus Shinra_

_Class II - Sunflower_

_DO NOT TOUCH_

Reno twitched as he took note of the teardrop-smeared text and the tragic and bitter passages highlighted in orange.

"You've had this copy since second grade?"

"Um..."

"And how many times have you read it?"

"Get back to work, Reno!"

_"How. Many. Times."_

"I... lost count?"

Reno looked at him blankly.

"Okay, screw the money can't buy love crap; I'm getting you a hooker."

* * *

I don't know what this is, I did it randomly when I was supposed to be doing my research design. XD

Reference to Cloud of Darkness and Taylor Swift. XD

"Shinylicious". XD A wonderful term I got from kaaaaarl.

The Bachelor is truly a terrible show.

'Sunflower' was the name of my sister's section back in preschool.

Reviews are always appreciated. 0w0


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